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Attachment Issues in Relationships: What They Are and How They Occur

If you get injured, and if the wound goes deep enough, it’s likely to leave a scar, even when it heals. Our bodies bear the marks of our wounds, and in the same way, our hearts and minds bear wounds of their own. The experiences you have daily which include your interactions with other people, can shape you. If the interactions are negative, they can leave you wounded and scarred, leading to attachment issues in relationships.

Some of the wounds and scars we bear may be old, but they still impact us in our day-to-day encounters with others and in how we perceive ourselves. The way we relate to others, for example, may be influenced by events in the long past that shaped our understanding and expectations of others in relationships. We may act in dysfunctional and self-defeating ways in response to our past experiences and influences.

Attachment Issues in Relationships: What They Are and How They Come About

The way we relate to others and the expectations we carry into our relationships with others is often described as an attachment style. There are several attachment styles, indicating the various levels of security we feel in relationships, and which affect how we respond to others. For instance, one form of insecure attachment is the anxious-avoidant or dismissive style.

In this style of attachment, instead of a person being needy or desiring to be emotionally close to someone, they will go out of their way to avoid connecting meaningfully with others. A person with this attachment style will typically rely on themselves and not others. They crave freedom and independence from others, and they may find it hard to deal with other people’s emotions.

A person’s attachment style comes about from the experiences they have in formative relationships, whether as a child or as an adult. If a child doesn’t have their needs consistently met, for instance, one of the messages they might be receiving is that the people around them can’t be trusted to meet their needs, and their only recourse is to meet those needs themselves. The result is an insecure form of attachment.

There are other forms of attachment, namely:

Secure attachment style This individual likely had their most important needs met, and they carry healthy expectations into their relationships. They are independent (as opposed to codependent), comfortable with intimacy, and with expressing their emotions and needs.

Anxious-preoccupied style They may crave emotional intimacy with others, but they worry about being abandoned or rejected.

Fearful-avoidant style This individual may be afraid of intimacy, rejection, and abandonment, which can lead them into inconsistent behavior, including self-sabotaging relationships. This style is also called the disorganized-disoriented style, and it often stems from intense fear resulting from experiences like childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect. Relationships may seem unsafe, confusing, and unsettling.

Each attachment style stems from previous experiences that shape a person’s response to others in future relationships. An insecure attachment style can affect a relationship in many ways including causing intimacy issues, behaviors that puzzle or frustrate loved ones, or self-destructive behavior that undermines the relationship at its core. There’s value in understanding your style and overcoming harmful patterns and problems.

Finding Support through Christian Counseling in Redding

The things that happen to you in your life can shape you in profound ways, but the past doesn’t need to have the last word. The Lord’s compassions never fail, and they are new every morning (Lamentations 3:23, NIV), and the Lord gives grace for us to make new beginnings. Your past doesn’t have to determine your future. If you recognize that you have an insecure attachment style, the first thing to know is that you can change things around.

Recognize the unhealthy patterns that you resort to, particularly when your relationship is under threat. By boosting your emotional intelligence, for instance, you can grow in your ability to recognize your own and others’ emotions, better empathize with the people in your life, deal with conflict in a much healthier way, and learn how to communicate what you’re thinking and feeling more effectively.

An insecure attachment style can also be overcome by learning new patterns of relating to others from people who have a more secure attachment style. Having a friend or romantic partner with a more secure attachment style can help you feel loved and provide the right context for you to feel loved and work through your insecurities. By observing them and how they relate to others, you could learn new ways of doing things.

Lastly, you can also seek help from a Christian counselor in Redding, California to work through and resolve past traumas, whether you experienced them as a child or an adult. Your counselor can help you to name and overcome the painful experiences that shape your present expectations that have resulted in attachment issues in relationships.

Reach out to us at Redding Christian Counseling in California and we will connect you to a counselor who can help you make sense of your experiences and correct unhealthy behaviors while building a more secure attachment style.

Photo:
“Love Locks”, Courtesy of Jonatan Pie, Unsplash.com, CC0 License
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Group Counseling Activities to Foster Group Cohesion and Wholeness

Some of the most fascinating movies to watch have to do with a ragtag group of individuals who overcome whatever differences they have to become an effective unit. Movies like Akira Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai or James Gunn’s The Guardians of the Galaxy series come to mind. Individuals overcome personal obstacles and learn to trust others in the group, unlocking their full potential both as individuals and as a group. In some ways, group counseling is similar.

Any given group brings people from all walks of life, different backgrounds, and perspectives into one space to find healing and overcome a particular challenge such as binge-eating disorder, depression, anxiety, grief, or substance abuse and addiction.

The Challenges of Group Counseling

Group counseling can be challenging for many reasons. Group members might not like each other due to their personalities or communication styles. Some members might be overbearing or way more talkative than others, with others being passive and unwilling to contribute.

Group counseling works best when there is a healthy give-and-take between group members, but if that dynamic is absent or misaligned, it can make the group less than fully effective.

These challenges that come with group counseling can be met in various ways. One way is by taking the group through activities and exercises that help to build cohesion. Some of those activities will be described below. Other ways to help groups become effective and safe places of healing include setting clear rules and expectations for the group from the beginning and keeping group members accountable to them.

Other ways to address the challenges include providing space in the group for feedback and evaluation of the various activities and discussions the group has. This will allow the counselor guiding the group to effectively monitor the group’s dynamics and adjust things as needed. Creating space for all group members to participate and feel safe through clear boundaries and confidentiality also makes a difference.

The counselor can also foster a safe and non-judgmental environment by modeling this for group members, as well as noting and encouraging it when group members practice it.

Activities to Foster Group Cohesion and Wholeness

Groups can be dysfunctional and face significant challenges like the ones above. The good news is that group members aren’t left to fend for themselves. One of the roles that a group counselor performs is to help the group to function like a cohesive unit. The counselor guides the group in their discussions and in helping the group interact in respectful and constructive ways.

One of the tools that a group counselor has at their disposal are activities designed to help the group grow in their ability to communicate well with each other, nurture trust and openness, and develop skills such as emotional intelligence and empathy. Some of these activities can simply help the group know one another in the initial stage of their association, and others are for developing deeper bonds as the group becomes more settled.

Group counseling activities to foster deeper cohesion in the initial group counseling sessions can take the form of simple icebreakers like a group scavenger hunt, “Two Truths, and a Lie,” human bingo, or the name association game. Activities for building trust could include trust falls and trust walks in pairs, doing a group collage or mural, a blindfolded obstacle course, solving a puzzle, or sharing personal experiences and stories.

To nurture the group’s ability to share and be vulnerable, members could do “emotional introductions,” where they introduce themselves by sharing their emotional state, such as “I’m feeling sad today.” An activity like a gratitude circle where group members share what they’re grateful for can also help. Similarly, a group can have a trust jar where members write their fears and share them anonymously.

Other exercises to foster better communication, empathy, and reflection include the following:

  • Practicing reflective listening.
  • Doing exercises to help group members discern cues in non-verbal communication.
  • Playing emotion charades where one acts out emotions and others guess what the emotion is.
  • Doing a feeling words exercise to understand which words best describe certain feelings.
  • Debriefing and reflecting as a group on activities performed and insights gained from them.
  • Journaling as part of reflecting on one’s experiences, emotions, and thoughts.
  • Practicing mindfulness as a group.

It may take time, but every group has the potential to grow in their ability to be a nurturing, safe, reflective, constructive, space of healing for all the members. Your group therapy experience will be unique, but it’s important to remember that your counselor will be with you all the way. You can find healing and develop the tools you need to cope and nurture wellness in your group.

Group Therapy in Redding, California

If you’re struggling with your mental, emotional, or relational well-being, know that you aren’t alone. Through group counseling in Redding, California, your needs can be effectively met. Reach out to us at Redding Christian Counseling in California to find a group that will work best for you.

Photo:
“Beach Rocks”, Courtesy of Kace Rodriquez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License
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Answering the Soul’s Cry: Healing Trauma, PTSD, and Caring for Our Mental and Emotional Health

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