If you get injured, and if the wound goes deep enough, it’s likely to leave a scar, even when it heals. Our bodies bear the marks of our wounds, and in the same way, our hearts and minds bear wounds of their own. The experiences you have daily which include your interactions with other people, can shape you. If the interactions are negative, they can leave you wounded and scarred, leading to attachment issues in relationships.

Some of the wounds and scars we bear may be old, but they still impact us in our day-to-day encounters with others and in how we perceive ourselves. The way we relate to others, for example, may be influenced by events in the long past that shaped our understanding and expectations of others in relationships. We may act in dysfunctional and self-defeating ways in response to our past experiences and influences.

Attachment Issues in Relationships: What They Are and How They Come About

The way we relate to others and the expectations we carry into our relationships with others is often described as an attachment style. There are several attachment styles, indicating the various levels of security we feel in relationships, and which affect how we respond to others. For instance, one form of insecure attachment is the anxious-avoidant or dismissive style.

In this style of attachment, instead of a person being needy or desiring to be emotionally close to someone, they will go out of their way to avoid connecting meaningfully with others. A person with this attachment style will typically rely on themselves and not others. They crave freedom and independence from others, and they may find it hard to deal with other people’s emotions.

A person’s attachment style comes about from the experiences they have in formative relationships, whether as a child or as an adult. If a child doesn’t have their needs consistently met, for instance, one of the messages they might be receiving is that the people around them can’t be trusted to meet their needs, and their only recourse is to meet those needs themselves. The result is an insecure form of attachment.

There are other forms of attachment, namely:

Secure attachment style This individual likely had their most important needs met, and they carry healthy expectations into their relationships. They are independent (as opposed to codependent), comfortable with intimacy, and with expressing their emotions and needs.

Anxious-preoccupied style They may crave emotional intimacy with others, but they worry about being abandoned or rejected.

Fearful-avoidant style This individual may be afraid of intimacy, rejection, and abandonment, which can lead them into inconsistent behavior, including self-sabotaging relationships. This style is also called the disorganized-disoriented style, and it often stems from intense fear resulting from experiences like childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect. Relationships may seem unsafe, confusing, and unsettling.

Each attachment style stems from previous experiences that shape a person’s response to others in future relationships. An insecure attachment style can affect a relationship in many ways including causing intimacy issues, behaviors that puzzle or frustrate loved ones, or self-destructive behavior that undermines the relationship at its core. There’s value in understanding your style and overcoming harmful patterns and problems.

Finding Support through Christian Counseling in Redding

The things that happen to you in your life can shape you in profound ways, but the past doesn’t need to have the last word. The Lord’s compassions never fail, and they are new every morning (Lamentations 3:23, NIV), and the Lord gives grace for us to make new beginnings. Your past doesn’t have to determine your future. If you recognize that you have an insecure attachment style, the first thing to know is that you can change things around.

Recognize the unhealthy patterns that you resort to, particularly when your relationship is under threat. By boosting your emotional intelligence, for instance, you can grow in your ability to recognize your own and others’ emotions, better empathize with the people in your life, deal with conflict in a much healthier way, and learn how to communicate what you’re thinking and feeling more effectively.

An insecure attachment style can also be overcome by learning new patterns of relating to others from people who have a more secure attachment style. Having a friend or romantic partner with a more secure attachment style can help you feel loved and provide the right context for you to feel loved and work through your insecurities. By observing them and how they relate to others, you could learn new ways of doing things.

Lastly, you can also seek help from a Christian counselor in Redding, California to work through and resolve past traumas, whether you experienced them as a child or an adult. Your counselor can help you to name and overcome the painful experiences that shape your present expectations that have resulted in attachment issues in relationships.

Reach out to us at Redding Christian Counseling in California and we will connect you to a counselor who can help you make sense of your experiences and correct unhealthy behaviors while building a more secure attachment style.