Friendships are supposed to be a source of unwavering support, late-night giggles, and mutual pacts to keep each other’s secrets. But sometimes those once fruitful relationships can turn toxic and leave you feeling drained, unappreciated, or even attacked.
Recognizing the need for change in a long-standing friendship can be difficult, especially when history and emotional ties are deep and tight. And setting boundaries or even making the bold decision to restructure or step away from those relationships can be even more difficult.
How it Begins
Emma had been friends with Izzy since elementary school. They’d bonded over a mutual love for video games and bubble tea. As they hit their middle and high school years, they continued to develop a connection through late-night texts about crushes, shared playlists, and a mutual love-hate relationship with cheesy horror films.
But that was then. Now in their twenties, their friendship had taken an odd and toxic turn. Izzy’s snarky comments which once felt playful, now had a more hostile and personal punch. There was constant drama, plenty of passive-aggressive jabs and Emma was exhausted. She even dreaded seeing Izzy’s name lighting up her phone because she knew it would only bring another rant, episode of drama, or a guilt trip.
But how do you walk away from someone who knows your entire life’s story? Someone who was a major part of that story. Emma knew that Izzy wasn’t evil, but the relationship had become one-sided. Emma was a fixer, the cheerleader, and even the “mom” of the relationship. But when she needed someone, Izzy was MIA or dismissive.
The balance was off and it wasn’t just Izzy’s dismissive behavior that concerned Emma. It was her constant criticism of Emma’s personal decisions and dedication to church that made her even more uncomfortable.
Emma knew that she needed to set boundaries. She needed to preserve her own emotional well-being and most importantly, her relationship with Christ which has also suffered due to Izzy’s constant criticism. Emma tentatively, prayerfully, and strategically constructed an email telling Izzy that she wanted to talk about their friendship and institute some healthy boundaries.
A New Chapter
It was weird at first. Emma’s weekends were quieter and eventually, she didn’t check her phone as obsessively as she had before she sent that email. There was no flood of texts asking why she hadn’t responded fast enough to an earlier contact or random complaints about things Emma had no control over. In fact, there was nothing; Izzy hadn’t responded at all.
Eventually, Izzy realized that she valued Emma’s friendship and agreed to a difficult but honest conversation at a local park. The pair let down the walls that had been built between them and engaged in an authentic and heartfelt conversation.
In the end, Izzy apologized for her toxic ways and asked for forgiveness. Emma, too, realized that she had contributed to the negativity in their relationship by not being transparent about her feelings. Soon, they were planning a cheesy horror movie marathon and ordering bubble tea.
Encouragement For Those Who Feel Stuck
Setting boundaries in a toxic friendship doesn’t make you a bad person or indicate that you hate the other person, it merely shows the world, and yes, you, that you value yourself and your God-given purpose.
If you’re in a toxic relationship but are hesitant to have that difficult, but necessary conversation, remember that friendships are supposed to uplift you and draw you closer to the Lord, not drain or derail you. They are meant to add value to your life and when they don’t, it’s okay to restructure friendships and even let them go, to take a step back and to create a life filled with people who bring joy and accountability to you instead of filling your life with chaos.
A Christian therapist can help you identify the relationships in your life that are not bringing value to you or that are filling your life with chaos. Through your therapy session, you can also learn more about boundaries and how to establish them in your relationships.
The therapist can offer you role-playing opportunities to practice communicating your needs to help you build confidence in your interactions and help you identify your own actions that may be contributing to the negative relationships in your life. You’ve only got one earthly life. Surround yourself with people who make it brighter. It’s hard, yes, but know that after the awkward conversation, it’s worth the effort.
To learn more about getting the help of a therapist to heal toxic relationships, contact our office today.
“A large body of water“, Courtesy of Hans, Unsplash.com, CC0 License
